Healed.

Two years, three months and twelve days.

Innumerable hours of rehabilitation.

Shattered dreams and one depression later.

With new career, new life and new dreams,

my knee is completely healed today.

Still stiff. Still painful. Yet.

Completely healed.

I have learned to walk again.

I am still able to breathe.

I am not afraid anymore

to dream of running.

My Weakness

I've finally learned it. The one single thing I never wanted to learn.

To never show weakness.

Never fucking show weakness.

Because those who are weak will turn their backs on you.

And those who are weaker still will scream and run away from you.

And those who are strong.

They will eat you alive.

They absolutely. Will. Eat. You. Alive.

Pointless Fears

Turns out facing your biggest fear is not scary at all.
Turns out the deepest of sorrows are not one bit sad.
Turns out relinquishing is never particularly wistful.

The tears are cried for the hollowness
that has carved a new face for your existence.

Those Things

You know all those little things. The annoying incidents of everyday life. A knocked over glass of water. A missed phonecall. A forgotten errand. They don't mean much. You shrug and you take one step forwards or backwards and fix things and you're soon on your way again.

Imagine walking through life if each and every one of these little things stabbed you to the ground.

Avaimet nurjiin oviin

Pelatusta palapelista puuttuva pala
Kaupan tiskille unohtunut kuivahiiva
Silmäpako mustissa sukkahousuissa kirkon ovella
Omenapuun väärin leikatut oksat
Eteisen pöydän taa pudonnut passi
Edellisen viikonlopun kukkapaketti teatterin takahuoneessa
Saman illan kolmet juhlat ja myöhässä peruttu tapaaminen
Myötätuntoinen kosketus onnellisemmalla olalla
Häämekon koinsyömä päättelemätön helma
Iloisin hymy kysymyksen väistäneen vieraan huulilla
Suljettuun puhelinumeroon lähetty anteeksianto

Oh, That's Just a Sign

Read this thing today where one person asked the other about something they do or feel and the other person said, "Oh, that's a sign of depression". Learned that I'm depressed.

Which I knew. But I didn't know how much of this stuff that I'm feeling is just that. Not sure if I ever want to see the full list.

Nine Months

Five without putting any weight on my leg.
Four now learning to walk again.

Yesterday I left my crutches at home for the first time.

No, I don't quite walk yet.
There is pain.
There is swelling.
But I'm taking steps.

And I've realized that there is now another monthly date in my calendar. The 4th because it is the date I had my first date with my husband and I still count every month, soon 212.

And the 26th because it is the date I was injured.