Pointless Fears

Turns out facing your biggest fear is not scary at all.
Turns out the deepest of sorrows are not one bit sad.
Turns out relinquishing is never particularly wistful.

The tears are cried for the hollowness
that has carved a new face for your existence.

Those Things

You know all those little things. The annoying incidents of everyday life. A knocked over glass of water. A missed phonecall. A forgotten errand. They don't mean much. You shrug and you take one step forwards or backwards and fix things and you're soon on your way again.

Imagine walking through life if each and every one of these little things stabbed you to the ground.

Avaimet nurjiin oviin

Pelatusta palapelista puuttuva pala
Kaupan tiskille unohtunut kuivahiiva
Silmäpako mustissa sukkahousuissa kirkon ovella
Omenapuun väärin leikatut oksat
Eteisen pöydän taa pudonnut passi
Edellisen viikonlopun kukkapaketti teatterin takahuoneessa
Saman illan kolmet juhlat ja myöhässä peruttu tapaaminen
Myötätuntoinen kosketus onnellisemmalla olalla
Häämekon koinsyömä päättelemätön helma
Iloisin hymy kysymyksen väistäneen vieraan huulilla
Suljettuun puhelinumeroon lähetty anteeksianto

Oh, That's Just a Sign

Read this thing today where one person asked the other about something they do or feel and the other person said, "Oh, that's a sign of depression". Learned that I'm depressed.

Which I knew. But I didn't know how much of this stuff that I'm feeling is just that. Not sure if I ever want to see the full list.

Nine Months

Five without putting any weight on my leg.
Four now learning to walk again.

Yesterday I left my crutches at home for the first time.

No, I don't quite walk yet.
There is pain.
There is swelling.
But I'm taking steps.

And I've realized that there is now another monthly date in my calendar. The 4th because it is the date I had my first date with my husband and I still count every month, soon 212.

And the 26th because it is the date I was injured.

Drawings: Travel Sketches

                                Pikkulepinkäinen
                                (taustalla ruskosuohaukka)
                                Kuusi, Siuntio 21.7.2016

                     Kiikala, Salo 9.7.2016

                      Vanha Porvoo 30.6.2016

                                Merikotka
                                Täcktomintie, Hanko 21.6.2016

Close to Oneself

How is it that one can be so close to oneself only when one is hurting so much that everything else in the world disappears?

Any external constructions flush away with tears, dropped off miles ago on the side of the road, deemed too heavy to carry. Barefoot on the harsh ground.

Former forged expressions forgotten in emptiness, developed at last into insignificance. Depression painting the whole landscape with quickly evaporating water.

Alone, likewise, having lost it's meaning when everything else is gone. Inside and outside turning out – and in – to be just the same naked thing.

Just this one moment now as hope is gone, the future forgotten, the past broken into unreal unreachable dreams. The pain blossoming in you, so vibrant and alive, forgiving, allencompassing. Present. You.