Polvivammani: diagnoosi, prognoosi ja yleinen tiedotus / My Knee Injury: Diagnosis, Prognosis and a General Announcement

Loukkasin jalkani lokakuussa 2015. Huolellisesta lämmittelystä huolimatta vasen pohjelihas repesi näytöksessä joka tanssittiin erittäin kylmällä lavalla. Lihaksen pitkittäisrepeämä parani nopeasti ja ongelmitta mutta oli huomaamatta aiheuttanut nilkkaan pienen liikerajoituksen. Nilkan liikerajoitus pakotti puolestaan sääriluun virheasentoon joka muutamaa viikkoa myöhemmin pamautti polven normaalissa kevyessä liikkeessä. Polveen ei tullut suurta vammaa, magneettikuvassa paljastui rustovauriota. Erittäin voimakas turvotus jätti polven liikelaajuuden erittäin pieneksi. Rustovaurion pahenemisen estämiseksi lääkäri määräsi polven käyttökieltoon.

Valitettavasti nilkan liikerajoitus havaittiin vasta tammikuussa, sen korjaaminen mahdollisti kuitenkin viimein polven paranemisen. Pitkä liikkumattomuus ehti ehti aiheuttaa polveen osteoporoottisia vaurioita ja aihettaa edelleen kipua normaalin liikelaajuuden hitaasti palautuessa. Suurimpana ongelmana paranemisen aikana ovat olleet polven sitkeä turvotus ja pitkällisen levon aiheuttama polven tottumattomuus normaaliin liikkeeseen.

Jouduin kaiken kaikkiaan viettämään täydet viisi kuukautta varaamatta vasemmalle jalalle ollenkaan, koko tänä aikana polvi ei koukistunut eikä suoristunut normaalisti. Nyt olen harjoitellut seisomista ja kävelemistä reilut pari kuukautta. Polvi suoristuu tällä hetkellä täysin suoraksi mutta on edelleen suoristuessaan jäykkä, enkä pysty vielä kävelemään täysin normaalisti.

Opetettuani syyskauden loppuun apuopettajien avulla, olen ollut sairaslomalla tammikuusta alkaen. Käyn säännöllisesti fysioterapiassa ja kesäkuusta alkaen minulla on ollut 50% työlupa, tosin pystyn opettamaan tällä hetkellä vain pieniä määriä. Polvi ärtyy erittäin herkästi pienestäkin rasituksesta. Kesäkuussa opetan yhtä viikkotuntia, heinäkuun alusta alkaen toivottavasti muutamaa enemmän. Tällä hetkellä näyttää siltä että polvi paranee vielä normaalikuntoon. Fysioterapeutin arvion mukaan kävely onnistuu hyvin jo kesän lopulla ja toivon että olen silloin lähes täydessä työkunnossa.

Samanaikainen toimeentulon, terveyden, taiteellisen ilmaisun ja työn tulevaisuuden varmuuden menetys on ehkä yllätyksettömästi aiheuttanut minulle syvän masennuksen. Lämmin kiitos kaikille yhteyttä ottaneille, olen arvostanut viestejänne paljon. Yhtä lämpimät kiitokset kaikille jotka ovat antaneet minulle sairaslomallani rauhan yksinoloon.

Olen hyvin tietoinen siitä että puhelimessani ja sähköpostissani on edelleen kymmenittäin vastaamattomia viestejä koskien niin työasioita kuin ystävyyssuhteita. Olen palannut osittain työhön ja myös tänne sosiaaliseen mediaan, mutta operoin edelleen rajallisilla voimilla ja teen minkä pystyn. Pahoittelen inhimillistä vajavaisuuttani tässä asiassa ja toivon ettet ota mahdollista vastaamattomuuttani henkilökohtaisena.

Kiitos mielenkiinnosta, kaiken kaikkiaan voin erittäin hyvin ja polven paraneminen etenee hyvin! Halauksia ja rakkautta kaikille!




I hurt my leg in October 2015. I tore my left calf muscle performing on a cold stage despite careful warm up. The muscle healed quickly and without problems but the cramp had caused a slight restriction in the movement of my ankle. The restriction in the normal movement of my ankle forced my tibia to turn in a slightly wrong position. This wrong position caused my knee to give up in a normal easy movement a few weeks later. There was no major injury in the knee, the MRI showed some damage in the cartilage. Powerful swelling caused serious restriction in the movement of the knee. The doctor ordered rest for the leg in order to avoid further damage to the cartilage.

Unfortunately the restricted movement range of the ankle was first noticed in January, but once it got finally fixed, the knee could start healing properly. The long immobility caused some osteoporotic damage to the knee and makes achieving the normal movement still painful as the knee is slowly healing. The biggest problem during the process has been the insistent swelling of the knee and the fact that the knee is now unused to it's normal movement range.

In the end I had to spend whole five months without putting any weight on my left leg and during this time the range of movement of the knee was still restricted. Now I've been practising standing and walking for a little over two months. My knee straightens fully but is still stiff and I cannot yet walk normally.

After teaching the Fall semester with the aid of assistant teachers, I've been on sick leave since January. I have regular physiotherapy for my knee and I've had a 50% work permit since June, although I'm only able to teach small amounts at the moment. The knee gets very easily sore even from small amounts of exercise.  In June I'm teaching one class per week, hopefully a few more starting in July. At the moment it looks like the knee will be healed fully. My physiotherapist estimates that I'll be able to walk normally at the end of the Summer and I hope I'll be able to teach almost normally then.

The simultaneous loss of income, health, artistic expression and the security of my future work has perhaps uneventfully caused me severe depression. Sincere thanks to everyone who has contacted me, your messages have been greatly appreciated. I'd also like to offer as warm thanks to everyone who has allowed me much needed solitude during my sick leave.

I am very much aware that I have dozens of unanswered messages in my phone and in my email from friends and colleagues. I have started some work again and am also partly back on social media but I'm still operating with very limited resources and I'm doing what I can. I apologize for being in this way only human and I hope you won't take my lack of reply personally.

Thank you for your interest. All in all, I am very much fine and my knee is healing nicely! Lot's of love to you all!

The Unwelcome Visitor

The unwelcome visitor appeared again today
not even bothering to knock on the door
just sitting there on a low stool as I awoke
staring at me

Following me from room to room on tiptoes
almost making me forget until I went to stand up
grabbing my shoulders then, close, breathing on my face
pushing me down

Standing impossibly tall behind me even now
long tender arms circling my chest
so soft and so warm and so insistent and so unbearably tight
suffocating me

Making me lie down unmovable and stare at the wall
whispering in my ear the same words over and over again
until they become an incoherent persistent hum
drowning my heartbeat

Clutching at my hand when I almost panic
soothing me to sleep again at night with fervent promises
of hopes and dreams and new beginnings for another tomorrow
sitting down again, invisible beside me

 

Darboukan värittämät askelet

Darboukan värittämät askelet monimutkaisessa ristikossa
Päkiät pehmeästi lattiaa vasten kuulevat jokaisen liikkeen
Rintakehä avaa piilotetut tunteet pyörteiksi ympäröivään ilmaan
Elävä ajatus sähikäisenä kehon pimeydessä
Musiikin pehmeä kumu lantiolla kuumentaa sydämen
Toiveiden pakahduttava halu aktualisoituna tässä henkäyksessä

Ei vielä tanssien, mutta kärsimätön keho pakottaa jo muistamaan. Pitkään kiistetty halu tunkee nyt malttamattomana päälle ja satuttaa välillä niin perkeleesti. Vielä jonain päivänä. Kohta.

Drawings: Haapa, Pikkukoski

                                Haapa, Pikkukoski 30.5.2016

Conditioned for Kindness

I can understand how hard it must be to believe how depressed I really am. I mean, I'm a nice person. I'm a thoroughly nice person. And let me tell you, there is absolutely, definitely, one hundred percent nothing fake about it either. I care about other people, I care about pleasing other people, I desperately don't want to let anyone down, I desperately don't want to hurt anyone.

Oh, of course I do, hurt people that is. Occasionally. I don't imagine I'm a saint, I'm not that stupid. But if I can help it, if I can at all help it, I won't. I'm like the guy in A Clockwork Orange, remember? The one who was conditioned to feel ill when he was confronted with any kind of violence. The same way I'm unable to hurt someone without hurting myself. So I just don't do it. (And well, of course when I nevertheless end up doing it sometimes (like when I'm too depressed to function like I'd like to (and isn't that another thought for another little blogpost all on it's own (damn it))) then of course I feel like utter utter utter crap.)

So when people smile at me and approach me and talk to me and ask me questions and ask my help. Of course I smile at them. Of course I say yes. That's who I am after all, deep down. And then I go home and stare at the wall for five days nonstop because that one single smile and that one single yes has drained all the energy I had and now there is simply nothing left.

I don't resent you for smiling and approaching and talking and questioning and asking either. I cherish it. I love you for doing it. Because it shows you care. And when I smile and when I say yes, I really mean it too. And I still do mean it afterwards. I still do mean it now. There is nothing fake in it after all, I already told you that. It doesn't mean it doesn't kill me a little at the same time. Every single time.

I understand that you are very confused. I was just now smiling after all. I did say yes. I'm very good at convincing you I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm good. Because I am, I really am, I must be to get through this, through all of this, through all the smiling.

You see, I'm doing it for you, yes, but I'm also doing it for me. Much more for me in fact. Because just imagine how exhausting it would be for me to actually go through all the negative emotions in front of you. Neither of us needs that. That is not a way in which things move forward, that is not a way in which healing can happen for me. It might be for some people but it is not for me. Remember my extraordinary conditioning. I cannot heal through confrontation.

It does help too, your smile. That's why I come when you smile. But slowly. Slowly. Too much and it's already too much. I'm still practising this, socialising, living like a normal person, like a healthy person. It's good to practise. I like it. And it's understandable that you'd like a repeat when one practice goes well, I do too. But I have to reserve my strength. You don't want to see too much when it's too much. You really don't. So if I stay home the next day. It has nothing to do with you.

I want.

I want to open the front door to the sun and go running.
I want to loose myself in the garden covered in soil and wearing a wide grin.
I want to choose music on my player again and take the bus to the studio.
I want to turn the compost and carry heavy stones and cut high branches.
I want to call my students and watch them dance and be able to help again.
I want to plan future projects and go to the stores to buy fabric.
I want to go to the gym and I really really really want to sweat.
I want to take the trash out and I want to clear all the pots in the back yard.
I want to walk to work and carry my heavy bags and travel wherever I want.
I want to dance and feel the music inside me.
I want to choreograph and feel the movements shaping in my own body.
I want to feel whole again.
I want to stand and walk and run and jump.
I want to know that I'm strong.
I want to be me.

Drawings: Versoja

 

                    Versoja 28.4.2016